To My Firstborn, on your First Day of Kindergarten

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It’s hard to believe this day is here.  To My Firstborn, on your First Day of Kindergarten.

two year old boy

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow you start a new adventure, one we’ve been preparing you for for a while now.

We’ve talked about kindergarten and all the cool things you’ll get to do, and all that you’ll learn and the new friends you’ll make.  We’ve talked about how you are going to get to school, how to pick out a lunch and how all I ask is that you are kind to your classmates.  We’ve talked about how you are going to love it there, and you probably aren’t going to miss Mommy at all… and that’s ok.

But, here’s what Mommy hasn’t talked to you about.

Tomorrow, when I walk you into that new school, a school that seems so big, I will be closing a chapter of your childhood and that’s something you can’t understand, nor do I want to attempt to explain to you.

Tomorrow we close the chapter of your “little years”, and that’s what I’m struggling most with tonight.

It’s not that you aren’t ready for kindergarten, oh boy, you are so ready.  It’s that my Mama heart isn’t ready to let go of the toddler I still catch a glimpse of when I look into your big blue eyes.

We’ve shared all your firsts. Your first giggle, your first steps, your first words. We also shared a lot of other firsts like diaper blowouts, Target tantrums, refusing naps, Mommy meltdowns… you know, all the “fun” firsts.

You have taught me how to be a Mommy.

You’ve taught me patience, forgiveness, compassion and honesty. You’ve taught me to not take life so seriously and that almost everything can be fixed with a snuggle.

Being your Mommy has made me a better human being, because you softened the edges of my heart I didn’t even know were rough.

two year old looking at camera
Photo Credit: Emily Marie Photography

It was just you and I for so long.  For 3.5 years you were it.  Our days were an adventure and we were best buddies.  We explored, we talked (a lot), we laughed, we cried and we snuggled.

I’ve watched your imagination grow along with your legs and you have made me incredibly proud to call you my son.

You see, I never dreamed of becoming a mother. But, then God gave us this big surprise and in 2011 on a dreary November day, in a cold as ice operating room, I held you in my arms for the first time and my life was forever changed.

I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that you were everything I never knew I always wanted.

Parents in a hospital bed with newborn baby

Instantly, you captivated me.

You gave me purpose and courage I never knew I had.

Your birth breathed life into me.

I always felt a little lost, like I didn’t quite know who I was or what I was supposed to do with my life, until I became your Mom.

On that day, everything that God had ever done made sense and you were it.  God knew that Motherhood was what I was meant to do.

And when He gave us another son I couldn’t believe how you instantly loved him.  I was so worried about how our lives were going to change when we had him, but from the moment you met him, you loved him and 2 years later you are so protective of him and love him in a way I never saw coming.

The best gift we have ever given you boys is each other.

Brothers holding hands

So, tomorrow as I close the chapter of your “little years”, I know I am opening the doors to a brand new chapter.  One that is just as exciting.  We are going to go through all of these firsts together, like we have until now.  We will navigate homework, what sports you want to play and which ones you don’t, we’ll navigate friendships and independence.

We will do it together, because we have always made a great team.

Mom and son kissing

I am going to miss having you home.  There is no denying that.  As a stay at home mom, I’m used to being with you and your brother all day, and I’d be lying if part of what has me so sad is that I feel like there is going to be a huge void in our day.

Your brother adores you and I know he is going to miss you the way that I will.  I’m sure for the first few days all I’m going to hear is, “Where’d Bubba go?” over and over again.  But, I know that you are ready for Kindergarten and you won’t be missing us much at all.  At least that is my hope.

So, my sweet 5 year old boy, I am wishing you the greatest first day of Kindergarten.

As I prayed over you tonight I asked God to give us both strength tomorrow.

I asked for strength to be brave.

Strength for new beginnings.

Strength to accept change.

Change is never easy, but it is almost always good, and I thank God that we get to celebrate you getting older year after year and watching you grow into the person He created you to be.

To my firstborn, on your first day of kindergarten

I love you, buddy.  So much more than you know.  You are going to rock Kindergarten, and though Mommy is going to try really hard not to cry, if you should see a tear fall, I don’t want you to cry, too.

Tomorrow we are going to be brave and we are going to be strong.

I am proud to call you my son.

I am excited for the school year ahead and I am thankful God gave me you to share all the “firsts” with.

Love,

Mom

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17 Comments

  1. Amy, on top of being a mom, you were SO born to write! I hope someday I’m half the mom you are!! xoxo

  2. And now I’m crying! My youngest started kindergarten yesterday. I’m so proud and happy for him and equally sad that it’s going by so fast! Also, sent one to second grade and it’s crazy how much she’s changed in two years!

  3. That was so beautifully written! I am sitting at my desk in a busy NYC Park Avenue law firm and have tears streaming down my face. He is such a handsome little boy and you are a wonderful mom.

  4. And here come the tears after reading that! My son starts kindergarten in a couple weeks and I’m a wreck. I already have a child in school so you would think this would be a breeze but it’s not. My son is shy and reserved and wants to stay with Mommy. But I know he will be fine once he gets settled and so will I πŸ™‚

    1. Hang in there, Mama. It’s a tough thing to do for sure, even though we know it’s best. Hugs to you and enjoy your next few weeks with him home all day!

  5. What a beautiful post! I have 3 boys and completely relate to this experience with my first son. It doesn’t get any easier with each child, but seeing them grow, gain their independence and flourish is a blessing to be witness of. ?

  6. WOW! Reading through this makes me reflect on all the feelings that I’m having with my boy getting ready to start kindergarten! So sad but happy at the same time. I try hard to not let him see me cry when we talk about it (yes I can’t even talk about it without crying LOL) But on the other hand I’m so excited for him. I think one of the hardest thing in life is letting go of their hand. He’s a big boy and I know he will do great but it’s the realization that he’s not a baby anymore. We only have one child so Its not like I can do it again with another. It’s final. Ya know. His transition from at home daycare to Preschool was not the best. Crying, the “Mommy don’t leave me”…. Me getting out to the car and crying my eyes out. It was really hard! So yes, i do feel a bit anxiety about the start of school already but i’m trying to be hopeful that it won’t be as bad! Fingers Crossed!

    1. I know exactly how you feel, Sara. Hope it’s an easy transition for you both. It takes some time but every day is a little better than the day before πŸ™‚

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